Breakdown
It shouldn’t happen to a believer - but it does!
A personal testimony
Since it is true that the vast majority of the UK population will, at sometime in their life, suffer from depression, why should Christians be immune from, what Churchill called, his ‘black dog’? And why should such sufferers hide themselves from their fellow believers? They need the encouragement of others. I know, because I once had a nervous breakdown and still suffer from depression. Ashamed? Not now!
What caused my breakdown?
- Personal bereavement. The problem is, I did not cry or grieve. ‘Men don’t cry’, do they?
- Criticism. This resulted in severe chest pains for a fortnight.
- Panic attacks on the train, due to ‘anticipatory anxiety’, from which I have always suffered and still do.
- Feeling suddenly alone and exposed. Where was my backup? Where were the ‘troops’?
- Running to keep up with my punishing schedule, working around 60 hours per week. This resulted in months of nervous tension in my shoulders that spread up my neck.
- The family increasing in number. Why was I not spending enough time with my children?
- Crushing disappointments, including a brother who was good at evangelism moving away.
What is a breakdown like?
A taste of hell! The tension in my shoulders rose to the base of my neck, and I collapsed. I came round some while later wonderfully relaxed, but unable to rise unaided! I was driven home and sent to bed. I could not get up. I had no strength. Concentration was difficult. The doctors said that I was exhausted. Then the mental torture began. I cannot adequately describe what went on in my head. I thought I was going mad. Often I covered my head with my pillows lest my head explode. My nerves were so bad that I couldn’t stand any noise, not even from my young children. The only person I could tolerate near me was my wife.
I stared down the very real ‘dark tunnel’ and there seemed no light at the end. Where was God in all this? Why was I, a believer, going through this daily hell? Why did no one seem to understand me? When would the torture end? Wasn’t death better than life? Why did many believers who visited seem afraid to read their Bibles and pray with me?
Recovery
It was six months before I was able to resume work again on a part-time basis. Slowly, the distance I walked increased. Slowly, I got used to meeting people and being with them. Sometimes I forced myself to do things, at other times my wife did. Slowly, the panic attacks died down. Often, when I was driving my car, voices in my head told me to crash the car into the concrete bridge supports. Each time a battle ensued.
I was prescribed medication. The first lot put me in hospital during the early hours! Later, Prozac made me ‘the life and soul of the party’! I had to come off them. Eventually, helpful medication was prescribed.
I had to trust God daily and, at times, hourly. Only he saw me through.
I rested in Christ’s salvation. His death and resurrection were my only hope.
The Psalms were exceedingly precious. They were my meat and drink. Whatever I might be thinking or feeling, David had been there before me.
Sundays spent at home were awful. I longed for the house of God, and hated missing the services.
It was embarrassing to be so regularly seen in the doctor’s surgery.
It was a comfort to know that so many believers were praying for me, and a number wrote letters.
God encouraged us by practical provisions. These showed that God still loved me!
Looking back
It took ten long years of struggle before I could look back and say, ’thank you’ to God for this experience. But what I (hopefully) have learned from it colours my daily life. It has changed me, hopefully for the better and to the glory of God.
I have learned:
- More about my heavenly Father, his precious Word, his lovely Son and the blessing of the Lord’s Day and sound hymns.
- More about myself – my strengths and weaknesses. I now say, ‘no’, if I start to feel overloaded.
- To be more sympathetic, compassionate and understanding towards those who likewise suffer. So many believers suffer, yet feel ashamed or guilty, even thinking they must be unsaved. Such sufferers need our Christian fellowship.
- To be more open about my experiences and how God helped me.
- To put up with the side effects of any medication for the sake of the good it does me, keeping me on the level and not letting me sink into the slough of depression.
Yes, all things do work together for good. His grace is sufficient. God does supply all our needs. Salvation in every aspect is of the Lord. Yes, this happened for the glory of God.
If any of our readers are grappling with the problem of depression or nervous breakdown and would like to get in touch with the writer of this article, we can put you in touch with him.