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Pastoral Care for
Divorced People
Keith Berry, Hightown Baptist Church, Luton
However we interpret what the Bible says about
divorce, it is a reality in church life today. Indeed, it is a growing
phenomenon that brings with it enormous social, psychological, and spiritual
damage for God’s people. How much we need then to approach this subject with
sober, scriptural judgement and seek a Christian response to pastor those going
through, or living in the aftermath of, the trauma of divorce. Romans
12 has presented itself again and again in my thinking as a key text. It
opens up for us in a general way the nature of Christian community. Divorce is
not mentioned specifically, but we can feel confident in applying the sufficient
Scripture to the needs of divorced persons.
I would like to do so along three lines of thought:
1.
Make
practical love the priority
The
central focus of this whole passage is love. Verse 9 describes it: Love
must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Verse
10 puts it in the form of a command: Be
devoted to one another in brotherly love. This of course is always to be the
quintessential Christian response. We are told in the following chapter that He
who loves his fellow-man has fulfilled the law (13:8), and that God’s
commandments are summed up in this one
rule: ‘Love your neighbour as
yourself’ (13:9). How then do
we implement this, especially with our divorced Christian friends in mind?
Perhaps
Romans 12 gives us some hints.
Consider v13: Share with God's people who are in
need. Practise hospitality. Let us never underestimate the wonderful
gift and tremendous importance of friendship.
This will be especially needed for those suffering broken relationships,
enforced celibacy, etc. Opening our homes, inviting people round for meals, even
accommodating the homeless are all ways we might offer Christian love and
hospitality. For one-parent families, how about offering to ‘baby-sit’ while
the parent gets out to a church meeting…or setting up a special support group
for parents?
But
as well as opening our homes we need also to open our hearts to one another, as
v15 says: Rejoice with those who rejoice;
mourn with those who mourn. We
need to support hurting people on the inside,
in the broken heart. This will involve time spent in listening, talking …just
being together… expressing sincere sympathy and perhaps empathy.
2. Be
God-centred and Christ-honouring
Or,
to say the same thing in a slightly different way, be Word-centred and obedient
to Scripture. This is the second main way in which we are to care for and
counsel the divorced within the Christian community - by simply doing what our
Lord told us to do, just before his return to heaven. Make disciples … teaching them to obey everything I have commanded
you… (Matthew 28:19-20).
This
is of course the greatest need of every Christian, whether divorced, single, or
married. As Paul has made gloriously clear in the in the first part of Romans,
we have experienced the transforming grace of God in the gospel,
eg 5:1, Therefore, since we have
been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus
Christ. We
are dead to sin and alive to God
in Christ Jesus (6:11). We now
need to be instructed in the indicatives
of the gospel and helped to live in the light of the imperatives
of Scripture. This is the life-long process of Christian discipleship. We have
been given the tools to do the job: God’s Word, the Holy Spirit, the love of
Christ. The goal is clear: to become humble, obedient, godly, Christ-like
people.
Romans
12:11-12 gives some of the key ingredients that make up the lives of authentic
Christian disciples: never-flagging zeal; being aglow with the Spirit… serving
Christ; rejoicing in hope; being patient in tribulation; constant and faithful
in prayer. Of course, to live like this is never easy, especially when
experiencing our personal fallen-ness and failure, divorce being a particularly
traumatic example of this. How vital then, that within our churches we are clear
about our Lord’s calling and commission, and we constantly affirm to one
another - from the pulpit, one-to-one, in small groups – the need to be
disciples and to make disciples. This
can be a hard and costly way at times, but it is a way that is surely good and
right and true. The paradox and
promise is, especially for those who are suffering, that blessing, strength, and
healing abounds for all who walk in the Lord’s ways, the way of Christian
discipleship. This bring us to a final injunction…
3.
Imitate the forgiveness of Christ
Perhaps revenge is a particularly powerful temptation for
divorced persons going through the carnage of shattered relationships. Yet Jesus
Christ stands before us as the most wonderful example of forgiveness and
non-retaliation. He taught it, in Matthew 5:43-48, and he practised what he
preached, supremely on the cross (Luke 23:34). Here in Romans 12, the
same ethical standard is applied to all believers: Do not take revenge
(vv14,19). Yes, we are to remember and be comforted by the fact that Christ is
now the exalted King and Judge, who will soon come and execute final and perfect
divine vengeance and justice against all his enemies and ours (vv19-20).
But surely for His people now our calling is to follow in the footsteps of
the dark and difficult the days ahead may be.
meek and lowly one (Philippians 2:5), imitating
Christ specifically in his example of non-retaliation in the face of unjust
suffering. (1 Peter 2:21-25). Romans
chapter 12 gives much the same
teaching - hard but liberating, and greatly needed in the moral minefield of
broken relationships
Conclusion
Divorce is a fact in our churches today. However, for the
Christian, God’s grace in the gospel is our ultimate and eternal reality. By
this grace we are transformed, and as we have seen in Romans12, by the means of
grace available to the local church, God’s children can go on being comforted
and empowered to live for Christ however
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