Singleness and the Church Family

Andy Robinson

I vividly remember a particularly difficult time during my student days. It started when two of my closest Christian friends told me within 24 hours that they had found delightful Christian girlfriends. They have subsequently become great wives. But the news produced in me a strange mixture of emotions. I was, at one level, very pleased for them. And yet there was a nagging envy that went on to consume me for several weeks. It became the focus of all my thoughts. My friends had what everybody hopes for - somebody who would become a loving Christian spouse. But what about me?

I guess that my experience is not untypical. The emotional issues can be raw: there are the difficulties of handling loneliness, sexual temptation and the issue as to why seemingly nobody wants to marry us. Seeing others get married can bring mixed feelings. There are the practical questions to face such as to what to do with free time and holidays, especially as an increasing number of contemporaries are married with young families. The issues often become more acute as people grow older, especially for single women in the church who generally outnumber single men.

It is an important issue for churches to face. Recent statistics suggest that up to 35% of Christians are single. If we are to function as a church family, that will mean that the remaining 65% should be interested in the issues faced by singles. That may involve practical help but there is a broader question as to the attitude that we have to singleness. Was I right in thinking as a student that marriage is something to which we should all aspire? Often that is the impression that people get from their experience of church life. In a culture where marriage is devalued, it is understandable that its value has been emphasised. But there are dangers here. For instance, I remember being told that I could only be useful in church ministry if I were married. Frequently, friends have told me that they are praying for a wife for me - which is well intended but does convey the impression that my life is somehow incomplete at present.

Scriptural teaching

But what is the perspective of God’s word? The most concentrated teaching on singleness is in 1 Corinthians 7. Perhaps the most striking thing about this passage is that it turns our expectations on their head. Paul starts off his teaching by insisting that it is good for a man not to marry. By way of contrast, he says that those who marry will face many troubles in this life (v28, NIV). However, his belief is that most people will marry, largely as a way of reducing the likelihood of sexual immorality (vv 2-6). This means it is not necessarily helpful for people to take vows of singleness for it denies the reality of the temptation we might face.

Of course, there is more to say on marriage: it is more than simply a way of avoiding immorality. However, it should make us stop and think. The passage should give us a realistic image of marriage. It is not a state of permanent bliss: there are troubles. Being consistent in loving a spouse will be hard. Staying in a house with young children recently reminded me of the stresses of family life. Indeed once when I taught this passage, a married woman thanked me; until that point she had held very optimistic views of what married life should be like and had been disappointed. Marriage is not the answer to all our problems.

Gift of singleness

If we realise that, then we are more likely to accept Paul’s summary of his teaching in v7: Each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. In the context, it seems that the two gifts to which Paul refers must be singleness and marriage. Commentators differ as to whether this means that people have a particular ability to be either single or married, or whether the gift refers to our present situation of being single or married. A strong theology of the sovereignty of God ties in with the second viewpoint. Our God orders all things for the good of those who love him. We can therefore say that the position in which we currently find ourselves is ordained by God for our good. It is, in short, his gift to us. Whilst this can be hard to accept, the Christian battle for contentment revolves around believing it to be true.

Eternal perpective

Towards the end of the chapter, Paul brings in the perspective of eternity. This world in its present form is passing away (v31). Singleness allows one to have a clearer focus on living for the goal of eternity instead of having divided interests, as Paul puts it. For instance, a single person may have more time for church involvement or witnessing to unbelievers as a result of not having family commitments. Indeed it means that we can use our life with a single mind as we prepare for the ultimate wedding day. There is a day coming when, as part of the Church, we will be a radiant and beautiful bride. The groom will be the Lord Jesus whose love for us is beyond our comprehension.

With eternity in mind, marriage here can never be our main goal in life. Of course, we may end up being married in the future but until that point singleness is God’s gift to us. These things are true but often our emotions don’t match up to this. How do we live with singleness as a gift? I can only make a start in answering that but here are two suggestions.

We need to live in community. It remains the case that it is not good for man to be alone. Marriage is not the only answer to this problem. Both singles and married people need to discover the reality of being a church family where there is mutual support for each other. This may be in terms of prayer or hospitality. It was a huge encouragement to me when one of the couples I mentioned at the outset offered me an open home which I would be free to visit. This arose because they had spent time thinking how best they could support friends who were single. In turn, it has been good for me to be able to pray for them in their marriage and as they begin to raise a family.

We need to learn to be content. For myself that is work in progress: at times I am happy being single and on other occasions, I find it painful. But I am learning to recognise the Lord’s goodness to me in singleness. And I am learning to look forward, not necessarily to marriage here, but to the day when there will be no more pain at the perfect wedding banquet.

(Andy Robinson currently works with UCCF in Oxford. Later this year he begins as Assistant Pastor at Woodstock Road Baptist Church).