Local issues articles
Parents in Pain
‘Parents in Pain’ is not merely the title of a most helpful and challenging book by Dr John White, but the very starkness of the title describes exactly how many Christian parents feel about their dearly beloved children who have turned away from the Christian faith and appear to have little or no interest, or even made shipwreck of the faith in which they had been nurtured. We are ‘Parents in Pain’ – sometimes the pain is like a dull throb that rarely goes away and at other times it is intense and severe. We have struggled with this pain for many years and sometimes found things very hard to understand.
Sense of failure
The devil, of course, has revelled in our situation and although we know that we ought not to be ignorant of his devices, we have so often been discouraged and down at heart and felt that we had failed in the upbringing of our children. There were many things that we regret having done and, even more, things that we wish we had done. Perhaps we were too strict with them, not allowing them to engage in certain activities and discouraging them from going to certain places. We feel that very keenly, particular in these days when anything seems to go, and children seem to have so much freedom to do anything! Was that repressive parenting? We don’t know. We only believe that what we were doing was right at the time – we wanted to protect them from what we thought were potentially harmful influences. Such reasoning, however, cannot take away the crushing sense of failure that so often enveloped us – and possibly as the mother I felt this more than my husband. Men are usually so much more positive!
A gospel upbringing
Our children had heard many times, and appeared to
understand, the gospel message. They had been regular attenders at a
Bible-centred evangelical church since birth and had joined in regularly at
Sunday School and other Christian youth activities and yet, they have turned
aside and now seem to have little or no interest in the faith which is so
precious to us. What could be more painful? We yearned for them to return to
God. How thrilled we would have been to see them involved in Christian work at
home or abroad! But that joy has so far been kept from us. And it is hard. But
is the best still to be?
I rejoice when whole families are converted and baptised and it is indeed
wonderful to hear about many of our friends’ children going on with the Lord and
some returning to him after many wilderness years. But if only that was our
children!
Consolation in God’s sovereignty
So what went wrong? We’ve been led by the devil on many guilt trips and up many cul-de-sacs, which never get anywhere and make us feel worse than ever, always blaming ourselves or other people and consequently dulling our cutting edge. Have you noticed that when the Devil keeps one inwardly looking we are worse than useless! How infinitely more worthwhile to take on board Scripture passages such as Psalm 73, which direct us so clearly to keep our focus on God and not ourselves – to be reminded that God is sovereign and in control of all things. All things?
Asaph, the psalmist, went through total anguish, and yet he started his psalm recounting God’s goodness to Israel and ended it with the triumphant affirmation that the Sovereign Lord was his refuge. Is God really in charge of all things? Yes, even our wayward children and our own personal shortcomings and failures. Perhaps there is someone reading this who is in the kind of despair that we have been in – when sometimes we could hardly even bear to tell the church family. I suppose it has come as sheer relief to know that we are not in charge of our children’s salvation, and nothing we can do can make them believers. That is a spiritual work of God alone. He has set apart from before the foundation of the world those who are destined to eternal life.
But what if he hasn’t done that for our children, for whom we agonise? We cannot argue with his sovereignty, and we are encouraged and amazed at the incredible answers to prayer we have seen in other families and we know that God is not willing that anyone should perish.
We hang on and are so grateful for the prayers of other people when we have found it hard to pray for ourselves and our children. Many years ago we were moved by the regular prayers of an elderly deacon in our church who actually named names! That is the one thing that all of you can do for Parents in Pain. You might not guess that we are in pain, but if there is anyone you know who has unbelieving children, you can be absolutely sure that they are Parents in Pain. Many of us don’t wear our hearts on our sleeves!
Practical help
How can you help Parents in Pain? You can keep in touch with the children of members of your church – particularly if they go away to another part of the country. Keep your eyes open for new and vulnerable people - make sure that it isn’t in your church that somebody’s son or daughter goes to church for the last time because nobody spoke to them.
Some of you may be invited to weddings of the unbelieving children of believers – don’t let your wedding card be your last communication with them. Follow up every little contact you can so they can’t say that nobody from the church was interested in them. Our children love to hear from our friends, many of whom have known them for years and we are very grateful for those who keep in touch. Even if it is just a Christmas card, it doesn’t go unnoticed!
Please don’t express shock and horror if our children have wandered away, or even run away, to live with a boyfriend, as one of our teenagers did. Can you just try to imagine what we are feeling like and that we don’t want to talk about it very much? We feel very ashamed, especially if someone tells us triumphantly that all their children are believers! We don’t want to broadcast that maybe our children are working on Sundays or living with their boyfriends and perhaps have become pregnant or even have had an abortion. But do we just forget them and let them get on with the rest of their lives? We love them dearly and need to maintain our tenuous links with them.
With this on top of the other pressures we sometimes feel we might crack under the strain. We need you to put your arms around us, metaphorically – and if you do so literally, whether in Sainsbury’s or in church, we will probably cry on your shoulders, but that will probably be just what we need. Please don’t forget us, even if sometimes we seem to be a little abrupt with you – we are hurting badly.
Never giving up
Of course, we never give up hope for their eternal salvation. How important it is to be available to them and to keep in touch. Having been recently exasperated by a wayward offspring reminiscing over her ‘repressive’ childhood, I asked if there was anything good to be remembered! The reply was precious – ‘Yes, you were always there for me and you still are.’
So if you know a Parent in Pain, will you pray for them and their children? Will you enquire about them? Don’t just be interested in the ones who are shining like stars in the universe, although those parents too, have their share of pain - never underestimate that. I am continually amazed by an elderly lady in her 80s who has known me since childhood who never fails to ask me about our children and says that she prays for them.
There is, of course, one amazing benefit of being a Parent in Pain. It is to be found in 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.